counseling session?!?

i've had a memory running through my mind a lot lately... i remember - not too many years ago - someone who i love very much telling me (accusing me?) that i'd not ever had my faith in Jesus tested in the way hers was. she was rightfully telling me not to judge her decisions or even her questions. i just couldn't understand. that whole experience changed my life. and now, the memory comes to my mind so often and it is changing me all over again.

when i first started working at st. stephen's, i was asked to participate in our 301 class which tests for spiritual gifts, passions, abilities, and personality types. then you write an essay about your experiences. in 2001, i shared my "most painful experiences". i wrote about my sexual assault in my junior year of college and my college boyfriend's cancer diagnosis (senior year). at that point in my life, those were the hardest things i'd ever been through. at one time, i felt i would never "get over" those awful experiences. i didn't, but i did get through them. and i experienced healing (by the way, scott is healthy and has been in remission for years!).

in 2003, i took 301 again and realized that my "most painful experiences" had been replaced with new ones. this time, i wrote about my broken engagement and the experience whose memory seems to haunt me now (the friendship that was altered by the "faith testing" i mentioned before). again, both of these experiences affected me in ways i can't even express. both my past and my future were shaken and really changed forever and i didn't really know how to make sense of it. somehow, my knowledge of God convinced me that everything would work out and i would need only to wait.

well, years later (and in a whole new world of marriage & parenting), i have wonderful, glorious experiences that are better than i could have hoped for. but now, fears (that probably stem from these experiences and have been carefully locked away for years) are coming out in full force. and my "knowledge" of God doesn't seem to be holding me up anymore. this is the kind of "faith testing" i suspect my beloved friend experienced - testing that doesn't make sense and can't be explained to anyone who hasn't experienced it. i'm living daily through an inner battle between my emotions/fears and my mind/knowledge. it is scary and uncertain and overwhelming and so many other things. (hello? like i don't have enough to deal with?!)

i really hesitate to write this. geez, i'm afraid to share this with anyone and here i am, expressing it to everyone who reads this! but my tendency to "weigh my words" and not share anything that might somehow come back and slap me is overpowered by my strong desire to be released from the oppression fear places over me. here i am - working in my church, surrounded by wonderful people who know and love Jesus - lacking hope and struggling to trust God and His plan for my life. i know my struggle lies with surrender. i'm a control freak and i'm failing to trust that the Lord's plan is better than mine. so, i'm trying to learn to surrender. every day. every hour. every minute.

so, there you have it. my heart laid open and bare. truthfully, this whole "experience" is ugly and exhausting. thankfully, i have much-loved friends & family who are my "stretcher bearers", carrying me to Jesus when i don't have the strength myself - they trust & hope for me and give great encouragement. and i'm praying for a change in my heart. i want to live beyond following the rules and really experience the freedom in surrender that ed tells me about!! :)