Lament of the widowed parent

having parented WITH someone and now parenting alone, I find that I don't miss the "helper" nearly as much as I miss the sharer of memories. Sure, it would be great to split the workload of rides and meal prep and bedtime tuck-ins. There are countless ways in which parenting together and sharing the responsibilities is easier and better. But, frankly, independent persons like myself (not to mention control freaks) are more often than not happy to have things run the way I like them without the interference of someone who likes to get kids riled up and excited at bedtime or who make a huge mess in the kitchen and don't clean up afterward... for example. :)

But, what I miss more than anything is that person to ask, "what did we call that little dance move she always did when she was excited?" or "remember when she always yelled 'BIZE!' when she was saying 'surprise!' nearly every time she walked in the room?" There isn't anyone to remember things or comment on those personality quirks we saw coming in their earliest years. Sure, I can retell the stories and that is still fun. But, he isn't here to share the look and remember the story, without my saying a word. 

back to blogging... as a different person

wow. so, the last time I wrote, we weren't even expecting Julesy yet and everything in our life was so different. I mean, unrecognizably different. very quick recap (expressing NONE of the emotion of any events):

2012 - Eddie had a new job, Jules was born, Holly & Georgia were both put down, Drew graduated HS and started college

2013 - Taylor graduated HS & started college

2014 - Noah graduated HS & started college (and T quit college), Eddie started flipping houses 

2015 - we sold our house and moved to Hill, Ev began living with us full time, Rachel started K & Drew took a "sabbatical" from school & traveled the world

2016 - Ev graduated HS & started college, we moved to our current house (total fixer-upper) and Eddie was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer

2017 - battle against colon cancer... Jules started K, I went back to work full-time

2018 - Eddie lost his 18-month battle, but won Heaven. Noah graduated college, I traded in 2 cars for 1, friends held a "fun-raiser" to raise funds for our family and house projects, we started attending a grief program at the caring place, and the world kept on turning somehow. 

2019 - Grandpa died, girls went to Colorado and Disney World, had birthday parties, started piano lessons, and we started rebuilding our lives

2020 - Covid19 hit and the world was overwhelmed by the pandemic... and we got our puppy, Maggie

it is almost surreal how NOTHING is the same now as in my last blog post. Home, car, pets, activities, job... but, most of all, our family. the life we lived has been turned upside down. now, we exist with a huge hole in our lives that will never be filled in this lifetime. (not that we would want it to be filled, as the hole represents that Eddie is missing and we never want to forget or ignore that.)  honestly, back in 2011, I would have been surprised to even know we would move (twice!)! boys leaving home, dogs dying, even another kid - those were all expected to happen at some time. back then, I remember imagining my little girl coming down that stairway on the day of her wedding, so a move was not on my radar. but cancer?? no way. and I certainly never dreamed Eddie would be taken from us at such a young age. he was 52 and his baby girl had just turned 6 when he died. unimaginable. 

when I decided I wanted to get back to writing like this (after quitting fakebook a year ago, where I'd previously documented our lives), it made sense to try to get back to my old blog... but when I finally accessed it today, I was blown away by the difference in my world from that past post in 2011 to now. guess I needed to process that first. 

I write now, as a different person. I'm a widow without her other half. my hopes and dreams for the future are all undone. I'm an only parent raising 2 little girls (this is different from a single parent. it just is.) AND I'm also navigating the changed dynamics of my relationships with my grown boys (stepmom without dad makes things uncertain somehow, on top of changed relationship to adult son & parent... it's all very complicated!). but, through it all, Jesus is with me and has never left me. and I'm still His.