Lament of the widowed parent

having parented WITH someone and now parenting alone, I find that I don't miss the "helper" nearly as much as I miss the sharer of memories. Sure, it would be great to split the workload of rides and meal prep and bedtime tuck-ins. There are countless ways in which parenting together and sharing the responsibilities is easier and better. But, frankly, independent persons like myself (not to mention control freaks) are more often than not happy to have things run the way I like them without the interference of someone who likes to get kids riled up and excited at bedtime or who make a huge mess in the kitchen and don't clean up afterward... for example. :)

But, what I miss more than anything is that person to ask, "what did we call that little dance move she always did when she was excited?" or "remember when she always yelled 'BIZE!' when she was saying 'surprise!' nearly every time she walked in the room?" There isn't anyone to remember things or comment on those personality quirks we saw coming in their earliest years. Sure, I can retell the stories and that is still fun. But, he isn't here to share the look and remember the story, without my saying a word. 

back to blogging... as a different person

wow. so, the last time I wrote, we weren't even expecting Julesy yet and everything in our life was so different. I mean, unrecognizably different. very quick recap (expressing NONE of the emotion of any events):

2012 - Eddie had a new job, Jules was born, Holly & Georgia were both put down, Drew graduated HS and started college

2013 - Taylor graduated HS & started college

2014 - Noah graduated HS & started college (and T quit college), Eddie started flipping houses 

2015 - we sold our house and moved to Hill, Ev began living with us full time, Rachel started K & Drew took a "sabbatical" from school & traveled the world

2016 - Ev graduated HS & started college, we moved to our current house (total fixer-upper) and Eddie was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer

2017 - battle against colon cancer... Jules started K, I went back to work full-time

2018 - Eddie lost his 18-month battle, but won Heaven. Noah graduated college, I traded in 2 cars for 1, friends held a "fun-raiser" to raise funds for our family and house projects, we started attending a grief program at the caring place, and the world kept on turning somehow. 

2019 - Grandpa died, girls went to Colorado and Disney World, had birthday parties, started piano lessons, and we started rebuilding our lives

2020 - Covid19 hit and the world was overwhelmed by the pandemic... and we got our puppy, Maggie

it is almost surreal how NOTHING is the same now as in my last blog post. Home, car, pets, activities, job... but, most of all, our family. the life we lived has been turned upside down. now, we exist with a huge hole in our lives that will never be filled in this lifetime. (not that we would want it to be filled, as the hole represents that Eddie is missing and we never want to forget or ignore that.)  honestly, back in 2011, I would have been surprised to even know we would move (twice!)! boys leaving home, dogs dying, even another kid - those were all expected to happen at some time. back then, I remember imagining my little girl coming down that stairway on the day of her wedding, so a move was not on my radar. but cancer?? no way. and I certainly never dreamed Eddie would be taken from us at such a young age. he was 52 and his baby girl had just turned 6 when he died. unimaginable. 

when I decided I wanted to get back to writing like this (after quitting fakebook a year ago, where I'd previously documented our lives), it made sense to try to get back to my old blog... but when I finally accessed it today, I was blown away by the difference in my world from that past post in 2011 to now. guess I needed to process that first. 

I write now, as a different person. I'm a widow without her other half. my hopes and dreams for the future are all undone. I'm an only parent raising 2 little girls (this is different from a single parent. it just is.) AND I'm also navigating the changed dynamics of my relationships with my grown boys (stepmom without dad makes things uncertain somehow, on top of changed relationship to adult son & parent... it's all very complicated!). but, through it all, Jesus is with me and has never left me. and I'm still His. 

the little princess

where does the time go??

lots has happened lately (more on that when i have more time) but here's the latest pics of the princess. :)

snowy again

oh, we had such lovely days of warm weather and sunshine - right in the middle of february! - and it was wonderful. and now the snow is back. this is what february is supposed to be like. i know it. but i can't help but be disappointed. ugh. i just can't wait for spring. when the grass is green and the flowers bloom. when we'll be getting ready for the arrival of carrie's twin girls!!
i may hate the snow, but i know it's just for a little while longer. and i can still wear my flip flops most days anyway. :)

Psalm 73

God, You are truly good to Israel; to those whose hearts are pure. But I almost gave up my faith; I came close to stumbling. I wanted what selfish people had, especially when I saw their prosperity.
They don't have the pressures I have, they have strong healthy bodies. They don't let ethics bother them, nor do they have everyday problems. They show off their selfish pride, they will not stop at violence to get their way. They lust for everything, there is no satisfying their evil desires. They scoff at everyone else, they willingly use violence to get their way. They claim to be bigger than Heaven, they think everything on earth belongs to them. They have deceived people to believe everything they say.
They say, "God doesn't know everything, The Most High doesn't know what I do." Lord, these are arrogant people who have a life of ease, because of their money.
But, Lord, was I wrong to stay pure; when I denied myself the pleasures of evil? I have had trouble all day long, every morning I face a different trial. If I have the attitude of the wicked, I would have betrayed Your children. I try to figure out why the wicked prosper, but I only become more confused.
Then I come into Your presence in the sanctuary, and I understand their future destiny. Now I realize they are on a slippery path, they are heading toward eternal destruction. They will die and instantly be punished, and will be consumed by terror. One day, Lord, You will arise, to punish their sinful desires.
Lord, I acknowledge how bitter I had become, my whole outlook was poisoned by hatred. I was reacting like a dumb animal, I didn't know what I was doing. Nevertheless, I will still follow You; You have always held me with Your right hand. You have guided me with Your counsel, and one day You will receive me into glory.
I don't have anyone in Heaven but You, I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh will get weak and my heart will fail, but You are the strength of my life. Those who will not follow You will perish, because You will destroy those who reject You. But it is good for me to be near You, I have made You my shelter; I will tell everyone of Your works.

ridiculous display of wealth

on my way to participate in a community service project cleaning up an area park recently, i ran into my neighbor who showed me her new range rover (while also mentioning that she's no longer working - her husband has a very good job). and she laughed, saying, "i know, it's a ridiculous display of wealth..." and i just wasn't sure how to respond.

i've thought about that comment a million times since we ran into each other. i'm jealous. not of the car (oddly enough, i covet vans these days) but of her freedom with time and expenses, her completed home and so many other little things i wish i had and don't. and i hate that jealousy. when did i become like this?!

anyway, eventually i come back to the fact that my treasure isn't here in this life, but in the life after this. my treasure is in heaven. and, until then, here's a look at my earthly "ridiculous display of wealth"

latest events

rachel went to her first halloween party this past saturday and actually did really well wearing her costume all night (she's a skunk! our lil' stinker...). we were so proud of her!

the next day, she went to a first birthday party and it was probably the most time she's spent actually interacting with other kids her age (we do go to story time at the library, but that's only 20 minutes every tuesday and its very structured). it was such fun to watch and she had a lot of fun. of course, it is also very confusing, as she continues to be kicked out of the church nursery... yes, the abbott number (012) is up on the screen every week now (signaling that we need to come and get her)... geez.

so, this kid with a mouth full of teeth (we're at 8 now... crazy!) is already starting to cause trouble. she only looks perfectly sweet... but i love her to pieces anyway. :)

soapbox

yesterday, someone asked me why i didn't wear purple in support of the "4 pittsburgh kids who killed themselves because they were gay"... i didn't know where to start.

first of all, the internet news story was about kids in OHIO and there were 4 kids but only 2 were gay. another suicide victim was foreign and the 4th handicapped. ALL were BULLIED.

Aside from the fact that it totally annoys me when people (this person, in particular) get super passionate about something without getting all of the facts and then spread their false information, it is particularly disturbing to me that the real issue - that kids were bullied so much they chose to take their own lives - was overshadowed by an attempt to "support someone's decision to be gay." i'm sorry, i don't see why that's the most important issue here.

what about the other circumstances that seem to attract bullying?? like being super smart, having bad acne, being poor, being handicapped, having the wrong parents or address or name, or even being too "loose" or too "prudish"?!?!? why was there not a campaign to support kids who are bullied for any reason?? (not sure what color one wears for that, but something could have been figured out.)

it was just disappointing. my heart breaks for kids who feel so out of place they want to end their lives. and my heart breaks for those they leave behind when they take their lives. i find it heartbreaking that ANY kid would feel that much pressure and attack from his/her peers, not just a select few with specific circumstances.

holly is sick

maybe it's too hard to see these pictures, but they are of holly and rachel. best friends, if you ask rach. holly... not so much. but holly is simply the best with rachel. she tolerates pokes, pulls and general attacks from the baby and never once snaps or even scares rachel off. what a blessing our dogs are for all of us!

but now, holly is sick. we don't know yet if it is just "old age" or if it's something more serious (vet thinks maybe a brain tumor) but either option makes us sad. holly is 12 (georia is 11) and they are big dogs, so it wouldn't be unusual for them to live only 12-14 years. but still, it's heartbreaking.

over the weekend, holly started walking around "like a drunk sailor" and then last night she fell down the stairs (i was home alone with rachel and couldn't get to her in time to stop the fall and i felt terrible). its so sad to see our lively, strong, happy dog struggling the way she is now.

so, now we wait to see if this "clears up" a bit in the next few weeks - if so, then we're just dealing with an aging dog. if not, we try to make her as comfortable as possible. this morning, ed hand-fed her chicken and rice (georgie only gets regular dog food... she's not sick). he said he felt like his dad as he prepared the food and fed her (ed's folks take such wonderful care of their beloved dogs). not a bad example to follow... :)

holding tight

it's no secret that i've been struggling a lot lately and feeling sorry for myself. i wish my life were different. and yet, today we'll go to the funeral for a 10 year old boy who died of cancer and this puts everything into perspective.
jake's brother is a classmate of evan's. his uncle is a former neighbor of ours. and his family goes to our church. we've been praying for healing for jake for a while now and God's answer was to give him eternal healing and take him home.
its heartbreaking. and faith-shaking too. ed & i were both angry when we heard the news that jake had passed. what kind of God allows the death of a sweet, beloved boy? we don't know why God allowed it but we know that we can still trust the Lord. after all, our life is testimony to the fact that God can allow bad things but He is still here. and He won't desert us. i don't know what He has planned for jake's family, but i pray for peace and comfort for them. and i pray for God's glory to be seen in this story.
and in the meantime, i hold rachel a little longer and a little tighter. i try to loosen up with the boys' school stuff and remember to enjoy them while we have them at home. and i thank God that despite all the stuff we've dealt with lately, we are healthy. what a blessing.

HOTO pictures

head of the ohio (HOTO) race that was last saturday. just got some pics from another parent whose camera is way better than mine! it was such a beautiful day (even though it was cold in the am, so mama foolishly dressed herself and rachel in warm clothes... ugh!) and the race was fun. we think drew might have medaled (3rd) but haven't confirmed that yet. this was noah's first race as a coxswain - meaning he yells out to the rowers and keeps them on their timing. yep, there is a position in a sport that allows someone to yell at teammates and tell them what to do. how did i miss this opportunity?!

anyway, some pics...

noah (center, back to camera) in jammies (essentially, they wear unis for the race and otherwise spend all day lounging in jammies, eating and napping. much like our big swim meet experiences). also, ed and rachel (in bjorn carrier) is to the right with his back to the camera (blue shirt). cuties. :)

noah has his back to us - he's facing the rowers

now noah is facing the camera and if you can see his face, you'll laugh. he's really yelling!

another one of noah facing the camera

here's drew in the 4 man (he's second from the right)

a closer look at drew (again, second from right) in the 4 man

here's drew's 8-man (he's 4th from the left, including the coxswain whose back is to the camera)

homecoming weekend

this past weekend was homecoming. the older 3 boys all played in the marching band, ev went and ran around with friends and i was careful to get rachel's nap schedule a little later so that we could try to stay for the half-time show (since she & i have not yet made it long enough to see the show). sadly, i didn't realize that the crowning of the homecoming queen means there is no half-time show for the band. bugger. but, rachel did make it until the second half and then we went home and put her to bed. it was really fun to be out and see so many friends (parents also there for their kids) and the miraculous victory by QV! (we are among the worst teams in the state... so sad. but it makes being a band parent better - at least we aren't football parents!) :)

then, we were off to HOTO on saturday (head of the ohio regatta). drew had 2 races (a 4-man and an 8-man) and noah was coxswain for the first time in a race (he loves it!). essentially its a long day of sitting around and then a 30 second excitement as they row past us at the finish line. (boats are timed, though, so it isn't like you can see the winner at that point.) ev came along in the afternoon (i had to work in the am, so we went late) and we enjoyed a beautiful day in the 'burgh with our friends, the frishkorns (their matt also rows and their dan is ev's buddy)!

after the race (& a lot of running around), we headed home to send noah & drew off to the homecoming dance with their friends. taylor's date wasn't able to go at the last minute, so he opted to see a movie with his dad & ev. the girls stayed home (as usual) but my friend, beth, came over with a pizza and i had a great "girls evening"!

sunday we crashed. and cleaned. sorta. and we gear up for another crazy week.

highlight of the day: rachel went to bed at 7 PM and woke at 8 AM!! yeah!!!! (mommy, meanwhile, spent THREE hours vacuuming stink bugs from drew's room. gross!)

too funny

i laughed out loud the other day walking in the door with noah & drew after crew practice. right then, noah exclaimed to drew, "just stop being so attractive!" i couldn't help busting out laughing and then i asked what the problem was. apparently, noah's girl friends on the crew team spend a lot of time talking about how attractive drew is during their 20-30 minute bus ride every day and noah is just fed up. i guess it's tough being the little brother of such an attractive guy but especially having to hear about it so often.
we've been hearing stuff like this for a while now. most of the time, it's funny to ed & me. we hear from friends about how their daughters talk about him - on the crew team, in the marching band, and just around school/town. we even started to get nervous when women mentioned seeing drew at work (at our little village grocery store) and commenting on how good-looking he is! (ed would reply with a quick "you stay away from my boy!") :)
however, we haven't really thought about it from his brothers' perspective. i guess it's tough.
i really do think each of our boys is very good-looking - and each in their own way, since they don't look alike! - but that doesn't help to have me tell them that. oh well. drew will go to college in less than 2 years... "out of sight, out of mind" for teen girls. then the other boys can step up.

catching up

i know, it has been ages since i last updated... i got spoiled by facebook. and addicted. here i was, spending precious moments at a time reading updates about people i've chosen NOT to keep in contact with and finding myself sucked in! it was general hospital all over again. only this time, at least they were real people who i had (at some point in my life) a relationship with. but still, do i need 450+ friends?! nah. too many to keep tabs on about stuff i don't care about.

anyway, my true friends (& family) are people i'll keep in touch with without any social network and i think i like that better.

so, i'm back to try to make up for lost time on the blog. quick update:

drew - still rowing, taking AP classes and thinking about college, dating his girlfriend for a year and worked 3 jobs over the summer (cashier at local grocery, sound for weddings & mowing lawns). brought in a good chunk of money, which he then spent on the girlfriend. clearly, he didn't learn that from his father's example... ;)

taylor - gearing up for the homecoming dance this weekend (taking last year's date... he's seen her once since last year's dance!) and looking for a job... hopefully turning 16 in december will help with the employment options. and he's excited about getting his license all of a sudden (he used to say he didn't want a license... he also used to say he would live at home indefinitely...). he's a little challenged at school with interest (questioning when he will need math in his adult life... i struggle with an answer) but loves his speech class, which i think is cool. and marching band (doesn't love it as much as last year, but its still a good thing in his world)

noah - also doing crew again, but this year he's a coxswain and loves it. he's doing great in high school - like, all A's and a B+ in the first report card! - and even grounding doesn't seem to have diminished his social life (??). he's also started learning to be a back up for Drew with sound at weddings and always anxious to do any work and make money. yeah!!

evan - also having a great school year so far. and reading books!! on his own!! (sorta. sometimes with a little proding) we're working on encouraging some activity other than roaming through town with a swarm of friends after school (sport, job, club, anything!) but he's got a good bunch of friends and we're just relieved that he's not walking through town as the only guy in a group of 10 girls!

rachel - she's fantastic. seriously, the doctor just said so today. :) she's a little on the small side, but it's not like she has big parents, so we're not worried. she's developing well - crawls everywhere, walking while holding onto things or people and is a total chatterbox (but not saying any words yet... not even mama). we've started going to the library story hour on tuesdays and she loves it. this week, she opted not to sit with mommy. she sat a few feet ahead of me (checking to be sure i was still there) and just observed everything. when our pediatrician commented on how wonderful she is in church i laughed and told him that his wife had failed to mention that she got kicked out of the nursery on her first week there (his wife was working the nursery that week)... yeah, she couldn't handle it and screamed so much that they brought her back to me! the doc dismissed it and says she does great. we agree.

here are some pics to share (yes, of rachel... i'll get some of the boys this weekend when we go to a regatta in pittsburgh and then homecoming!)

beloved dolls

Rachel was given her first doll by our friend, Heather, and she loves this little doll. "Heather doll" is usually with us and is a definite favorite.

So then our friend, Marye, asked why she doesn't have a "Marye doll" and I replied that she had not yet bought one for Rach. So, Marye set out and found a very appropriate doll - one that is "sleeping" like her namesake, who loves naps. :) I'm happy to report that Rachel's Marye doll is just as well-loved!

memorial day fun!

checking out the new pool in the back yard
yeah, it was fun as long as she didn't have to sit in it... not as warm as the baths that she loves

the grass was fascinating!!

the memorial day parade had "knight rider"!! - we wished uncle bill was here to see it!

first memorial day parade - such fun!

rachel's may outings

hanging with aydin (their mommys have been friends since 1st grade)and with aunt marye!

walks in the village are slightly different in the stroller with mom (rach loves to look around when daddy carries her in the baby bjorn, but she sleeps in the stroller with mommy)

so excited to be picked up by daddy to work in the garden (WAY more fun than hanging out in the office with mommy)

just sitting in mommy's desk chair and having fun

lovely spring

with the end of the school year just around the corner, we've had a busy may with 3 great band concerts, a band banquet, big crew races (drew & noah had races almost every weekend during the spring - several times traveling to ohio, including prom weekend so drew didn't get to go with his girlfriend), a crew banquet plus a number of other "spring" events like the 8th grade dance & 8th grade trip, lots of outdoor activities and ed has been building a beautiful fence for our neighbor (older, single woman). it's been a fun spring, but i'm exhausted!! now, the boys have the unpleasant task of preparing for finals... making life at home rather unpleasant for everyone for a while as we anxiously await the end of school! sadly, i've been rather lax in taking pictures and updating the blog. seriously, i'm just too tired to do much of anything! but, here's a few glimpses into our world lately. (lots of rachel, but hey, she's with me all day, every day! and the boys are way too cool to have their pictures taken. just wait until the boys get haircuts, i'll be all over that with the camera!!)

ENJOY!

daddy calls this rachel's gangster look (because of the knit hat)... yeah, that makes sense. a lot of gangsters wear pink knit outfits. :)

an 8 man racing at moraine state park (may 2 - i think i marked the wrong picture... this doesn't look like drew's boat, but it is his team. oops!)

noah, his date (to his right) and friends for the 8th grade dance (apr 30)

mother's day (may 9) (the boys wouldn't stay dressed up from church for pictures)

trying out the new swing in the backyardno swing for rachel... yet

rachel has her bonnet and heather... she's good to go! (daddy says she looks amish in the bonnet)nationality days in ambridge (no gyro for rachel)

hanging out in the office (usually she is clothed...)

Baptism photos!

rachel elizabeth abbott was baptized on sunday, april 11, 2010. godparents are jason & susie (kenyon) maslow (her aunt & uncle). she was baptized by geoff chapman (who also married her parents & has been her mama's boss for 9 years!). it was a wonderful service of worship & commitment.

rachel didn't make a peep during her baptism & it was so special to have lots of family & friends there! we continued the celebration with a lunch at home after church. it was such a good day!