Lament of the widowed parent

having parented WITH someone and now parenting alone, I find that I don't miss the "helper" nearly as much as I miss the sharer of memories. Sure, it would be great to split the workload of rides and meal prep and bedtime tuck-ins. There are countless ways in which parenting together and sharing the responsibilities is easier and better. But, frankly, independent persons like myself (not to mention control freaks) are more often than not happy to have things run the way I like them without the interference of someone who likes to get kids riled up and excited at bedtime or who make a huge mess in the kitchen and don't clean up afterward... for example. :)

But, what I miss more than anything is that person to ask, "what did we call that little dance move she always did when she was excited?" or "remember when she always yelled 'BIZE!' when she was saying 'surprise!' nearly every time she walked in the room?" There isn't anyone to remember things or comment on those personality quirks we saw coming in their earliest years. Sure, I can retell the stories and that is still fun. But, he isn't here to share the look and remember the story, without my saying a word. 

back to blogging... as a different person

wow. so, the last time I wrote, we weren't even expecting Julesy yet and everything in our life was so different. I mean, unrecognizably different. very quick recap (expressing NONE of the emotion of any events):

2012 - Eddie had a new job, Jules was born, Holly & Georgia were both put down, Drew graduated HS and started college

2013 - Taylor graduated HS & started college

2014 - Noah graduated HS & started college (and T quit college), Eddie started flipping houses 

2015 - we sold our house and moved to Hill, Ev began living with us full time, Rachel started K & Drew took a "sabbatical" from school & traveled the world

2016 - Ev graduated HS & started college, we moved to our current house (total fixer-upper) and Eddie was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer

2017 - battle against colon cancer... Jules started K, I went back to work full-time

2018 - Eddie lost his 18-month battle, but won Heaven. Noah graduated college, I traded in 2 cars for 1, friends held a "fun-raiser" to raise funds for our family and house projects, we started attending a grief program at the caring place, and the world kept on turning somehow. 

2019 - Grandpa died, girls went to Colorado and Disney World, had birthday parties, started piano lessons, and we started rebuilding our lives

2020 - Covid19 hit and the world was overwhelmed by the pandemic... and we got our puppy, Maggie

it is almost surreal how NOTHING is the same now as in my last blog post. Home, car, pets, activities, job... but, most of all, our family. the life we lived has been turned upside down. now, we exist with a huge hole in our lives that will never be filled in this lifetime. (not that we would want it to be filled, as the hole represents that Eddie is missing and we never want to forget or ignore that.)  honestly, back in 2011, I would have been surprised to even know we would move (twice!)! boys leaving home, dogs dying, even another kid - those were all expected to happen at some time. back then, I remember imagining my little girl coming down that stairway on the day of her wedding, so a move was not on my radar. but cancer?? no way. and I certainly never dreamed Eddie would be taken from us at such a young age. he was 52 and his baby girl had just turned 6 when he died. unimaginable. 

when I decided I wanted to get back to writing like this (after quitting fakebook a year ago, where I'd previously documented our lives), it made sense to try to get back to my old blog... but when I finally accessed it today, I was blown away by the difference in my world from that past post in 2011 to now. guess I needed to process that first. 

I write now, as a different person. I'm a widow without her other half. my hopes and dreams for the future are all undone. I'm an only parent raising 2 little girls (this is different from a single parent. it just is.) AND I'm also navigating the changed dynamics of my relationships with my grown boys (stepmom without dad makes things uncertain somehow, on top of changed relationship to adult son & parent... it's all very complicated!). but, through it all, Jesus is with me and has never left me. and I'm still His. 

the little princess

where does the time go??

lots has happened lately (more on that when i have more time) but here's the latest pics of the princess. :)

snowy again

oh, we had such lovely days of warm weather and sunshine - right in the middle of february! - and it was wonderful. and now the snow is back. this is what february is supposed to be like. i know it. but i can't help but be disappointed. ugh. i just can't wait for spring. when the grass is green and the flowers bloom. when we'll be getting ready for the arrival of carrie's twin girls!!
i may hate the snow, but i know it's just for a little while longer. and i can still wear my flip flops most days anyway. :)

Psalm 73

God, You are truly good to Israel; to those whose hearts are pure. But I almost gave up my faith; I came close to stumbling. I wanted what selfish people had, especially when I saw their prosperity.
They don't have the pressures I have, they have strong healthy bodies. They don't let ethics bother them, nor do they have everyday problems. They show off their selfish pride, they will not stop at violence to get their way. They lust for everything, there is no satisfying their evil desires. They scoff at everyone else, they willingly use violence to get their way. They claim to be bigger than Heaven, they think everything on earth belongs to them. They have deceived people to believe everything they say.
They say, "God doesn't know everything, The Most High doesn't know what I do." Lord, these are arrogant people who have a life of ease, because of their money.
But, Lord, was I wrong to stay pure; when I denied myself the pleasures of evil? I have had trouble all day long, every morning I face a different trial. If I have the attitude of the wicked, I would have betrayed Your children. I try to figure out why the wicked prosper, but I only become more confused.
Then I come into Your presence in the sanctuary, and I understand their future destiny. Now I realize they are on a slippery path, they are heading toward eternal destruction. They will die and instantly be punished, and will be consumed by terror. One day, Lord, You will arise, to punish their sinful desires.
Lord, I acknowledge how bitter I had become, my whole outlook was poisoned by hatred. I was reacting like a dumb animal, I didn't know what I was doing. Nevertheless, I will still follow You; You have always held me with Your right hand. You have guided me with Your counsel, and one day You will receive me into glory.
I don't have anyone in Heaven but You, I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh will get weak and my heart will fail, but You are the strength of my life. Those who will not follow You will perish, because You will destroy those who reject You. But it is good for me to be near You, I have made You my shelter; I will tell everyone of Your works.

ridiculous display of wealth

on my way to participate in a community service project cleaning up an area park recently, i ran into my neighbor who showed me her new range rover (while also mentioning that she's no longer working - her husband has a very good job). and she laughed, saying, "i know, it's a ridiculous display of wealth..." and i just wasn't sure how to respond.

i've thought about that comment a million times since we ran into each other. i'm jealous. not of the car (oddly enough, i covet vans these days) but of her freedom with time and expenses, her completed home and so many other little things i wish i had and don't. and i hate that jealousy. when did i become like this?!

anyway, eventually i come back to the fact that my treasure isn't here in this life, but in the life after this. my treasure is in heaven. and, until then, here's a look at my earthly "ridiculous display of wealth"

latest events

rachel went to her first halloween party this past saturday and actually did really well wearing her costume all night (she's a skunk! our lil' stinker...). we were so proud of her!

the next day, she went to a first birthday party and it was probably the most time she's spent actually interacting with other kids her age (we do go to story time at the library, but that's only 20 minutes every tuesday and its very structured). it was such fun to watch and she had a lot of fun. of course, it is also very confusing, as she continues to be kicked out of the church nursery... yes, the abbott number (012) is up on the screen every week now (signaling that we need to come and get her)... geez.

so, this kid with a mouth full of teeth (we're at 8 now... crazy!) is already starting to cause trouble. she only looks perfectly sweet... but i love her to pieces anyway. :)